Image courtesy of Gustavius Payne
By Martin Hayes
there are three ways
first way
is to remove all of its packaging
pierce a few holes in its skin with a knife
then put it in the microwave
for 8 minutes
bringing it out after 4
to stir the warm but not yet cooked
molten enough tepid sludge of it around
before putting it back in
twisting the dial up to 60 more
rather than the recommended 4
then walking off out of the kitchen
to go and buy your lady a rose
second way
is to remove all of its packaging—
there’s always a lot of packaging
when there’s a supervisor involved—
slapping it on the kitchen side
then pricking it, again with a knife, only this time
a lot harder and deeper and all over
before smothering it with olive oil, garlic and rosemary
placing it in the oven
and leaving it there
on 180-degree heat for 2 hours
basting it every now and then
in its own vile juices
and third way
which is the preferred way for most of us animals
is to lure it into a distant corner of the warehouse
after telling it there has been reports from staff of seeing rats
then as it is bending over, looking for holes the rats may be coming from
stamping at it on the back of its head with the bottom of your boot 3, 4, 6 times
before eating it raw
