By Alan McCormick, with Trumpty Dumpty image above by Martin Gollan
To be read with extended pauses and endless amounts of self-love
Adam is good and it’s going to be great, maybe the greatest, will be the greatest – I told him, Adam, it’s going to be the greatest because you’re good and I’m great – Eve not so much – shouldn’t have taken the apple, Eve – I told her, don’t do it, it’s not a good deal – I don’t like any fruit that’s been in the earth – I don’t like the earth, dirt, dirty, so dirty – or hanging from a foreign tree or a foreign bush, touched by foreign hands – I don’t do hands, even made the Queen Lizbet – a nice lady, eyes like beads, expensive beads – wear gloves on her tiny hands and we never even had to touch. Burgers are burgers I told her. And I made burgers, me, Ronald MacDonald – from American cows, not European cows or Canadian cows – I said put them in a big clean American factory like a shopping centre or a hangar but with no windows, I don’t like windows, and do whatever you need to make them clean, wash them in bleach, cook them in big furnaces. The biggest. And wear gloves. Always. And afterwards sell everyone a big beaker of Coca-Cola – I drink four litres a day and I’ve never missed the bowl or speech or deal – and Eve, I don’t know, maybe she should have just eaten the burger – I warned her, fruit is no good, and a burger is good but she didn’t listen – some people never listen, communists, immigrants, crazy people – I told her I’ll create all this from a seed, not an apple seed – and I did create all this, everything, it’s true – I created you too I said and you just need to start things off like I started things off, businesses, deals, buildings – I never paid for any of them – and construction workers, I love construction workers, came out 90 per cent for me, even the Mexican ones – those ones can stay, the rest, they’re going back, I made a promise and they’re going back. Ice are coming for them, and Ice aren’t nice, shouldn’t be nice anyway – and construction workers, you know, the crazies on the left tried to say my song was gay – it’s a gay song they said – GAY – YMCA – we’re closing those places down by the way, all of them, full of bad people, injecting, making trouble – the swamp people don’t want us to have fun or dance or salute anymore, it’s very sad – a traffic cop, a cowboy, and a construction worker, they’re real men! – and I was telling Eve how I started it all off, not just songs or buildings but worlds, things like that, and a woman with a man is just beautiful, so beautiful – why didn’t you listen, Eve? – and I’m beautiful – maybe I shouldn’t say it, I don’t know, but a lot of people are saying it. You, they say, you’re beautiful, and you took a bullet for us and your hair is so good, your skin, everything, and you’re going to make everything good. God saved you for a reason, you know? And I say, yes, I know, I saved myself and it was a good deal and I’m going to make everything great again but Eve, she just didn’t get it – you needed to believe, Eve, just needed to believe – I explained it’s like if I put a tariff – I love tariffs, tariffs are good – on your apple, it’d make it cost more and we’d all make more money so you can’t just pick it and eat it – it’s science, good science, business science, not Chinese science or bad science, it’s the only science – then because Eve ate it, came wars, and more wars. So much killing and I said, I’ll stop it. I’ll stop you, wars – wars are bad and good is good. God is God and God is good. And I’m good, I’m God. I’m good God.
